Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Not a Poem but an attempt at a song - unfinished

I am trying to write a song and always looking for new ways to evolve. To be honest, I do not like the idea of being public with this, and would prefer constructive feedback from someone closer, but unfortunately, that never seems to work out. Anyway, the point is, is to get feedback, so here I am. Additionally, I am more into the Leonard Cohen style of writing, than any other type.

So, the following is a recent attempt, and feedback is welcome. Bear in mind this is much unfinished, but I need to ensure I am on the right track. So have at me, and show no mercy. Thanks!


Who do I tell my secrets to
the landlord or the carpet
the heavens or the bars

Is this my evolution, or my poverty
the absence of a memory and
deprivation as a novelty, of time.

Who do I tell my secrets to
which ravish at my mind
A hooker in a window
or a prostitute with collars
wrapped in wafers and red wine.


  1. Hi DB,I see the start of a song here. Two verses then a chorus. Leonard Cohen uses many words in his lyrics, whereas these lyrics are more sparse. Not a criticism by any means.

    I say go with what you got. Finish this then write another.

    Make a decision. Do you want a structured song? or stream of consciousness?

    Like I said I see verse, verse, chorus. A common form is

    verse out

    Choruses repeat, same lyrics for each chorus. Verses don't have to. Stick to 3 line verses and a 5 line chorus.

    Read it out loud to get the timing of the lyrics. They are very musical.

    Does the song have a name? Ideally the title is in a significant place in the lyrics.

    Is this one acoustic guitar accompaniment? With drums, bass... ?

    I'm just throwing some stuff out. Maybe it is helpful, maybe not.

    Good luck.


  2. No name at present…I’ll work on that - was focusing on the idea I had. Also, at this stage, I envision acoustic guitar. And I agree, it’s a matter of writing as many as I can, and hopeful improve a little with each.
    Thank you very much, for your wonderful feedback!

  3. Peach gives brilliant, clear, easy-to-follow suggestions. I fear I shall not be that helpful, but here is what I think. This feels like a good beginning . Emotion-filled, but not sappy. I would write as many stanzas or verses that come to mind. Let yourself fee write and play. Build, build, build; and then tear away that which does not serve the final construct.

  4. I agree with Kim Nelson above. I find with poetry (or presumably with songs which can be stanzas set to music) there are few 'rules' at least at the earliest developmental stages. I just try to engage 'that place' inside me & let words flow out, then work with this raw material which serves to engender further words, ideas. Rhyming is usually the tricky one. Something that readily kills a poem or damns it is 'forcing a rhyme' & then it sounds cheesy, but you don't do this. Rhyming can be excellent if natural. The words are 'in you' you just need to go to that place, win their confidence & wait for them to come out of the woods! Stay with it for awhile and essentially do as KN says, 'build build build, then tear away that which does not serve the final construct'! (That's always what I do writing poetry or prose).